Divorce and Remarriage: the “Back Story”

It breaks our hearts when people we love end their marriage. We hurt with them in their pain. We are concerned for their children. We wish we could turn back the clock and help them address their issues before “I do” became “I don’t.” Emotions often run high, and individuals sometimes find it almost impossible to be objective when they are the ones involved.

At the same time, when discussions take place regarding what the Bible says, and what Jesus Christ himself taught, we must be clear. When people seriously dig into the Scriptures to look for justifiable reasons to end their marriage, it can sometimes be so easy to rationalize and “find” all sorts of things that they may claim as legitimate grounds for divorce. One’s perspective can be greatly affected by his or her personal experiences and the experiences within their own immediate or extended family. Discussions arise, and sometimes arguments follow, as individuals disagree as to what the Bible actually authorizes and allows.

People were debating the very same question in Jesus’ day. They even asked him, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” The implication is, “If one may not divorce just for any cause at all, then are there any causes at all that would justify divorce?” Jesus did in fact name one legitimate cause. Matthew 19 records their inquiry, Jesus’ response to it, and the conversation that followed.

Mt 19:3 And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” 4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Mt 19:9 “And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

Here is a link to a recent full-length sermon I delivered on this text and this subject.

How Jesus Magnified Marriage – Cory Collins – https://youtu.be/nS-CCv4YZg8

Jesus saw the pattern for marriage as having been established in the beginning, at creation. One man and one woman, joined together by God himself, were to treat their union as sacred and inviolable. Jesus explained that, since it was God who fused the two into one, man was not to separate or “put asunder” that union. He made one exception and only one. Sexual immorality (or fornication) was so offensive in the sight of God that the faithful spouse would be free to divorce and remarry. For that reason, every husband and every wife who fears and loves God must be on guard to protect their vows against the temptation to violate the holiness and exclusivity of their marriage.

The “Back Story”

In this article, however, I want to talk primarily about what I will call the “back story.” The point is simply this. As much as people focus on divorce when a breakup seems inevitable, divorce is not the first problem, but rather a response to one or more previous problems. Divorce is, in fact, a man-made “solution” to earlier spiritual issues that laid the groundwork and led to the divorce.

Unscriptural divorce is sin, no doubt, but it is so often not the first sin, but it is instead the domino-effect result of other sin or sins that preceded it built up to it. But what if couples instead avoid or repent of the elements that lead to dissatisfaction and unhappiness? What if they create and develop the elements that strengthen joy, trust, and commitment? In that case they can reap the benefits, not only of sexual fidelity, but of marital success in every area!

The Negatives in the “Back Story”

Let’s consider, for example, the negative sinful factors in Colossians 3 that contribute to the likelihood of divorce. If two spouses were to “put these things to death” as Christians, how much less likely would they be to want to end their marriage?

Col 3:5 Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. 6 On account of these the wrath of God is coming. 7 In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. 8 But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. 9 Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.

These are the very things that contribute to a broken marriage! These include immorality, wrong desires, anger, abusive speech, dishonesty, and so forth. If both the husband and wife commit themselves wholeheartedly to obey this teaching, and to “put to death” and “put off” these sinful ways, are they likely to divorce? Of course not! The truth is that these are the problems in marriage that start the process that often leads to divorce.

The Positives in the “Back Story”

Now let’s look at the positive side. If both spouses were to “put on” these things as Christians, how much less likely would they be to want to end their marriage?

Col 3:12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Doesn’t this passage beautifully describe the husband or wife that one would never choose to leave? When two people are holy, compassionate, kind, humble, and patient … when they put up with each other and forgive each other … when they have love-based harmony … when they are both grateful … when they consume the message of Christ together, worship together, and seek to have every word and deed glorify Jesus Christ … can you imagine a divorce in their future? What godly person would ever want to leave such a husband or wife?

As the old adage says, “The family that prays together, stays together.” Have you ever known a couple to divorce that regularly prayed together, for themselves and each other, that the God of heaven would bless, sanctify, and strengthen their marriage? I personally have not.

Then, making specific application to wives and husbands, God’s Word says:

Col 3:18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Of course, Ephesians 4:17-5:21 is parallel in many ways to Colossians 3, and Ephesians 5:22-33 specifically addresses husbands and wives. Study these passages carefully.

What godly man or godly woman would want to divorce a holy, godly, faithful mate who is devoted to these truths?

In my experience, when one or both spouses say, “I/we want a divorce,” the “back story” inevitably involves a prior lack of commitment to the ways of God. Divorce is not the first sin but rather the follow-up sin to what has gone before.

Of course, it may be the case that one mate is faithfully (though of course not perfectly) seeking to live by texts such as Colossians 3, while the other chooses selfishness and sin instead. The one spouse may be devoted to Jesus Christ and may suffer greatly because the other is not. (This is a key reason for choosing a mate who is first of all sold out to obeying and following Jesus Christ first.)

However, even if such a sad marriage ends in a scriptural divorce, such a tragic outcome confirms the point being made here. Prior sin caused the divorce. There was a “back story” without which the divorce never would have occurred.

So, let’s fix the back story and in this way prevent divorce and remarriage. Let’s diligently search through the Scriptures, not looking for additional justification for divorce beyond what Christ taught, but looking rather for additional instruction and motivation for living a Christ-centered, Spirit-filled, God-glorifying life.

Let’s carefully choose the dominoes we are moving now, because they will lead to what happens to the later dominoes and the final domino in each of our lives. That’s true, not just in marriage, but in all areas of life.

And that’s the “back story.” Read it and reap!

Written by Cory Collins

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